During my formative years (ok, college), I spent my summers doing what most Engineering students do. I was an intern/co-op. That meant I got to spend my days in the typical nerd confine, a “cubicle farm” (as Dilbert author Scott Adams would term it). But, I spent short terms there, which meant I was not privy to all of the politics that get ensconced in such an environment. And let’s face it, I was naive and bushytailed, like a young starlet going for her first photo-shoot who instead ends up in a seedy apartment with a photographer that her cousin’s sister vouched for. Six years later, I have now been able to form a few observations about life here on the farm.
There are many sub-elements of this strangely Orwellian Farm that I could delve into, however I am simply going to focus on one tiny aspect. That aspect is cubicle decoration, and specifically the pictures that adorn ones living space. I started taking note of this in my first post-college assignment. There were few women, so I did a sub-study of the men who were married. I noted that there was a seeming dearth of spouse pictures, but never an absence of rugrat pictures. This occurred with a frequency that did not appear to be random, so I increased my sample size. There was an affirmative trend! 65% of men married with children had pictures solely of their children on their desk, with only 35% also having pictures of their partner.
I have continued this important investigation, now three employers later, and found that it has evened out a tad. It is still at a roughly 50-50 clip. It has also allowed me to make some personality observations about folks based on ones cubicle pictures.
- No pictures - The man is obsessed with his work. Chances are he eats a small cup of soup for lunch and does so quickly so as to return to his computer. More than likely possesses a pocket protector (I exaggerate not)!
- One picture of family - The man is somewhat consumed, but still feels obligated to show he has a life outside of work. Personality is suspect once a few cocktails have been consumed.
- Lots of pictures, but few of family - The man is obsessed, but with his hobby. He will talk your ear off about it at any juncture should you feign interest. This is the antithesis of a Jehovah’s witness, because he does not come to you.
- Lots of pictures, all of family - Oy. Ok, you don’t have to convince me that your family life is important to you. I get it. You are fertile AND proud.
I will let you discern for yourself what it means if the family pictures do not include mom.
In conclusion, I would like create two edicts for cubicle etiquette that should be extended to said pictures. Thou shalt not post any remotely “alluring” pictures of thy loved one. This is true of wives, girlfriends, mistresses, mail order brides, etc. There is no way to not look at it when passing by (or talking to the gentleman), and it just makes the passerby uncomfortable. For example, someone in the next row over had a lone picture and it was one of his wife. In it, she was obviously at a party and was wearing a sequined halter top, for which the neck strap was severely stressed, if you get the gist. It was impossible not to sneak a peek at it, and he probably put it there just for that reason. Dirtbag. The second one is similar, but age-specific. Should thou have a teenage daughter, who is remotely attractive and within 20 pounds of her target weight, thou shalt not post pictures where she is not wearing a burqa, anorak, or preferably both. The last thing we need is to start seeing coworkers on TV while they are hearing “I am Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC.” Need I say more?
Always looking out for you, the reader, -Michael