I am forever filling out online surveys. I get them from at least 4 different companies. I am not 100% sure what enjoyment I derive from it. I tend to believe though that it is related to my unrelenting need to offer my opinion, whether or not it is warranted. (I know - me - opinionated?) One of the surveys I took last week asked what my favourite band was. This was the question after asking what my favourite music genre was. Those were the only music related questions. I am not sure what useful information they can gather from it, however it got me thinking.
Given how many TV shows, Internet articles, magazine features are based on lists, I have decided to put one together. I want to publish a list of musical acts that I despise. In the true beauty of a weblog, I have! Find it below. There were a few rules I gave myself. They had to be reasonably famous (not some of the obscure crap I would listen to) and make me immediately change the station every time a song of theirs comes on. I also wasn’t going to pick from genres I hate, i.e. country, elevator music, or American Idol graduates. Lastly, I was only going to give myself one minute, so that my brain would only focus on acts that really get my blood pressure boiling rather than reaching for ones that I am iffy about.
REM - REM is, unequivocally, the worst band of all time. I’m sorry I cannot stand them and they have to lead this list. Michael Stipe has a voice that is beyond grating; I honestly cannot understand how anyone can stomach it. His voice in everybody hurts sounds like a dog yelping after getting a swift kick to the puppy-producer.
Oasis - I want my Gallagher splitting a watermelon, thank you very much. Actually, forget that, he is as unfunny as Oasis is talentless.
Uncle Kracker - Made a good living riding off the coattails of someone else, a la one Mr. Federline. But at least he didn’t have to impregnate Kid Rock first.
Counting Crows - I thought about knocking them down to the honourable mention category, but I couldn’t. Messr. Duritz’s voice is another that goes right through me. Plus, he tried to work the dreads for too long.
Grateful Dead - Admit it you worthless stoners - you can’t listen to this sh*t unless you’re high. At least this is what I am presuming because I have never been able to understand their appeal.
Phish - See the above entry - just a younger fan base.
Rusted Root - see Dead, Grateful
Dave Matthews Band - A unique voice will only take you so far. I thought about moving him simply from this category simply because he emptied the bowels of his tour bus into the Chicago River. That is great - although I could think of some other cities first (here’s looking at you, Kansas City).
Pink Floyd - Maybe you were ahead of your time, maybe you were just hallucinating. Either way your songs have too little going on and are way too long. In other words, you are the personification of my blog.
U2 - My stance on them has softened over the years, but I still think they are too melodramatic. Plus Bono annoys the hell out of me with all his preaching. I will admit that they are talented, and I understand why their fans love them, but that doesn’t mean I like them.
Mary J. Blige - There needs to be some female representation, and what better place to start with this pretentious “superstar.”
Alicia Keys - My bad - please make room at the Pretentious Inn - the Queen has arrived.
Norah Jones - Oh, and her understudy has arrived too. (seriously - why does the music industry go ape over any woman who can sing and play an instrument? Think about that some time.)
Honourable Mentions:
Kanye West - Try to be a little more full of yourself. I boycott his stuff simply because of his arrogance. I think he is talented. Green Day - I like one or two songs, so I couldn’t put them above - but doesn’t every song sound the same to you? Good Charlotte - Same thing - every song sounds the same. Bonus points for figuring out how to impregnate Nicole Richie (no politically correct joke to insert here).
This was a good start. I am confident I forgot some good ones, but too late now. Maybe I will publish a revised version one day.
Lyrically yours,
-Michael
I usually avoid getting in the path of one of Michael’s rants, but REM is WITHOUT A DOUBT one of the ten best bands of the Rock ‘n Roll era. I have known of his unnatural disdain for them for quite some time and always dismissed it as a side effect of his age (too young to understand the significance of REM’s impact on pop-culture), but I am starting to think that it is more likely that he associates REM with some traumatic event in his childhood.
Without REM the entire College/Alternative radio movement of the late 80’s would never had happened. before they hit, College radio was just that - radio stations you had to be on campus to hear. After REM, large markets had College Radio stations on the center on the FM Dial.
Murmur and Reckoning are, unequivocally, the greatest back-to-back albums of the past 50 years. Unfortunately for Michael, he probably was too young to have experienced them first hand and maybe his disregard for the band stems from the their overexposure in the 90’s.
Nah, I’ll stick with the childhood trauma theory, it would explain a number of other peculiarities Michael exhibits!
P.S.
I find it hard to argue with any of his other dishonarable mentions. I like U2, but they do annoy me, also. The rest are garbage, except for Ms. Blige who was responsible for my favorite club song of all time, so I will let her pass.