Open All Night

As promised yesterday, here is the first installment of Michael’s Rental Review. The car itself was a 2007 Nissan Altima. I was surprised to see that they even had Nissans (don’t ever recollect having that option before), and was also surprised when it came with 26k miles already. Back a few years ago, before OEM’s wised up and stopped filling the fleet market, cars were always returned before 25k miles (and maybe sooner). I rarely ever had one with more than 15!

�Stiction� - Overall, the car wasn’t bad. But I was completely confused from the get-go. The car didn’t seem to shift. And when I would think that it had a CVT I talked myself out of it because there would be a “shift”, there was a manual option on the shifter, and the display would even show what gear it was in. I tried to allay this confusion by doing what anyone would do, some really hard accelerations. I got on the highway after a toll, from a rolling start, with the foot to the mat. It did not shift from 35ish to 95. I thought the gearing was just really tall. I then played with the manu-matic. It wouldn’t let you bounce off the rev limiter like some, and would shift if you even sniffed redline. Plus, every upshift or downshift went to essentially the same RPM. That was the final indicator that it had a CVT (which was confirmed per Nissan’s website). THEN WHY HAVE THE MANU-MATIC? That is only for people, like me, who engage in “spirited driving.” Frankly, I am completely insulted that they would try to pass it off otherwise (between the shifter and display).

Anyway, it accelerated well (if on the gas hard). If you accelerated slowly it would almost bog, as if it were a manual. The engine is super loud when accelerating too. Brakes were adequate, handling was better than expected - for a car with such a high beer goggles quotient. The car feels huge when sitting in it. You can’t see the sides or front of the hood. It is shockingly big when compared to other generations of the car. I felt like I was driving a limo when pulled up to most sedans. I am going to guess that the car is 3150 lbs.*, although it drives like one that is about 2800. *I never lose my touch when it comes to porkers, curb weight is 3189.

�Foreign Oil Tariff� - The trip computer said that I averaged 27mpg for the trip. I never verified it myself, but that was pretty acceptable given the BGQ of this car. In addition, the tank is a good size (although it is disheartening to be over $50 for a fill-up in a 4 cylinder that is not forced induction). I was able to make it through all of Canada without filling up, which is my goal. In fact, I could almost make it the whole way.

�Livability� - Trunk is huge - no worries here. Back seat has plenty of space too. From a driver’s perspective the midget accommodation outline passes with high marks. There is a lot of adjustability in the seat and steering column (tilt AND telescope). I never was in a spot where my view of any instruments were obscured. I could reach most everything easily. Food and drink consumption was never a problem. Radio controls were easy enough too.

�She Has a Nice Personality� - I knew I was in for something different when the wonderful Hertz rep (more on her another time) asked if I knew how to use the key. She explained that you plug it in (like a flash drive) and then press a button to start/stop the car. How hard could that be, right? Once I figured it out it was actually really convenient. It senses when the key is within range, so it never has to come out of your pocket. You can use the button on the door to lock/unlock it, and the dash button to turn the car on/off. Good luck finding the port in the dark if you wanted to actually plug the “key” in. It is buried under the dashboard, along with the trunk release. Because of my innate curiousity I had to try pressing the button while driving. It indeed stops the engine, which was awesome as I pulled up to the gas pumps with no power steering or brakes. This would worry me with a dog, child, or frat boy in the car that he might hit it.

Overall the interior was ok. Some things indeed looked cheap, but I was ok with the varying textures, colours, and general layout. I liked that there were “covers” for each of the cubby areas. I really liked that the armrest had an extension that pulled up just far enough to avoid hitting your drink but make it more comfortable. However, with the dash slightly angling away I could still barely reach the audio controls. Cruise control setup was great, real intuitive. Loved that there were no specific AM/FM presets. Each group of presets could have either AM or FM ones, which is perfect for someone like me who has a single AM station they like. Speedometer lights were always on (nice orange too), but caused me to forget to put the lights on multiple times. Display setup was different, very computer like as you scrolled through different screens. I would have liked an option to keep it blank though.

I got back and priced out the car. It came to around $21,500. I figured that it would have been more. I think it is a fair price for it, maybe just a tad high for the 4-cylinder. But, it only proves what a glut of vehicles Nissan has in the same class. Are both this and the Maxima really required? You can get the same (V6) engine. It is 7″ bigger and 2″ wider.

And now that you put up with that - you get a story!

I am a creature of habit, and I typically like to frequent the same rest areas. Once I find one I like I have a propensity to fit my trips around it. For example, I think I have stopped at the same Sheetz on my way to/from NJ on 8 of my last 10 trips. Anyway, Canada does not offer a lot of choices. Many of the exits don’t have facilities, some of the rest areas are filthy, and the nicer ones are usually packed. (Oh yeah, and most of the food sucks. Good luck finding something other than Wendy’s or a Mr. Sub. How about a Mrs. Arby’s? A McDonalds? And how can you have a rest area without a convenience store?). Anyway, I tolerate one that happens to be at exit 41 (for obvious reasons). It has a Tim Horton’s, a Wendy’s, a NY Fries (never knew fries from NY looked like that?hmm?I better relay this back to the city!), and a PizzaPizza (I don’t even have time to detail my feelings on this chain). After circling the food court I made a fateful decision to get some Wendy’s fries to tide me over (NY fries are more expensive and need vinegar to be enjoyed - not exactly conducive to driving).

A typical 20th century degenerate male youth was ordering in front of me, satisfying every required stereotype in order to validate the previous sentiment. Given that I was in a lane of traffic, I backed up to allow customers to walk by. A husband and wife merrily traversed this gap with their trays of Faux NY Fries. They were tailed by a young lass who had her own tray of fries. I estimate, by the size and quantity of potholes on her face, that she was 16 at most. She lagged behind and made a cooing noise to get the attention of the boy. Never diverting her attention off of him, she bit her lip seductively and sauntered up to him. Her gesticulations were very deliberate, as evidenced by the runway walk and hip maneuvers she performed. He looked down and blushed. This only incited her as she took her free hand and rubbed it on his stomach. She then attempted to grab his Canadian Rump. Luckily for him, his predictably baggy jeans hid his crump, and she was unable to get a serious hold. She might have de-cheeked him with the vigor she squeezed. She uttered a “rarr” and headed towards a table.

Her or his (not sure) parents stopped to admire the delectable treats in the ColdcrapColdcrap display which left her alone at the table. Since my fries were still cooking, I decided to prepare my condiments. This required me to turn around towards her, directly in the line of sight of her beau. I snuck a glance and the little harlot was now licking her lips. I then wheeled back around to check on my fries and he wasn’t looking at her. Bemused, I spun back around and sure enough she was still doing it. I then muttered endlessly about what a tramp she was. Once he sat down she muttered to him and they both stared at me, smirking and laughing. I could not possibly have a daughter. If I had one that acted within 50% as filthy as this trollop did her chastity belt would be chained to the furnace, instead of her desk like I originally thought.

Disgustedly yours, -Michael

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