The Cafeteria - Yet Another Foe
I have decided that in order to truly convey my
feelings on the cafeteria that I needed to pen an
incredibly unremarkable haiku.
cafeteria
strange hours leave me frustrated
and I go hungry
The cafeteria here is frustrating for someone who eats
when I do. First off, I do not like to eat breakfast
right away. If hunger pangs even start to encroach
prior to lunch, it is usually towards the end of the
“breakfast shift.” And almost always I want a bagel.
Well, all the palatable bagels are gone by about 8am.
I am left to pick through the leftovers which
typically includes multiple egg bagels (seriously,
does someone ever eat these, they are yellow after
all?), and a plain bagel that isn’t so much a bagel as
a clump. Maybe it is my east coast bias coming out
again, but bagels typically suck out here. I don’t
know what bakery they use, but the bagels have no
taste and the variety is awful. Plus, they are
typically misshapen. They are not oval, and instead
are mountainous and rugged. There is probably some
angry employee who is tired of getting up at 3am that
insists on forming them to look like a heaping pile of
dog excrement. Back on subject, after taking the
plain bagel I insert it in the bagel guillotine. The
problem is that, surprisingly enough, it is designed
for proper shaped bagels. So I cram it in there, and
attempt to drive the blade through. Once I get it
through my bagel gets stuck in there. I have to stick
my finger in there to free it, which leads me to think
about what other fingers have been in there. I then
stick it in the toaster. It is one of those doodads
where the entire tray moves. It disappears and then
falls out the back, down a chute, and reappears. This
works well when I actually get a bagel with seeds on
it, because it proceeds to strip it. I didn’t really
want poppy seeds anyway. But, given the amorphous
shape of the bagel, and again that the device is
designed for normal shaped ones, half of the bagel can
AND does get stuck in there. And yes, getting jammed
against the heating element does create fire. Like
flames shooting out the front of the toaster fire.
When this happened I had to use a large knife that was
kept there to free it. So now I have to smush the
dumb thing and measure it before shoving the bagel in
there. And of course, the one day since that I forgot
to - the bagel exceeded the height maximum for the
ride. It got wedged worse in there. There was no
knife this time. My plastic cream cheese knife
quickly wilted in the assault, as it was really wedged
this time. I had to shut it off and humbly ask the
cook for a knife.
The other part of this is when it closes in the
afternoon. It closes at 1:45. I like to eat a late
lunch, usually around noon. Presuming I finish around
12:45, that only gives me an hour. I am neither
hungry nor thirsty by this point. But the cafeteria
sucks me in with two novelties. They have an old
fashioned popcorn machine, and they actually have
cherry coke (which the coke machine does not for some
reason). But, the popcorn is in limited supply. When
it is gone it is gone. This typically takes place by
1:15. So, much like if I want a good bagel, I have to
preemptively strike if I even think I am going to want
good foodstuffs! “Well, I think I might want an
afternoon snack, so I better go get some now before
they sell out.” Back a few months ago they had
already sold out when I got there as they were
closing. It was a long walk there, so I felt like I
should get something (still “thinking” that I might be
hungry later on). Well, I spied an order of fries
accompanying some formerly frozen breaded fish
product. I asked if I could just take the fries, and
I was told “no.” I countered with the logical
argument that they were going to throw them out in a
minute anyway, right? After obtaining an affirmative
head nod I sweetened the pot by saying at least they
would make some money for it, rather than none. It
didn’t work. Since then I have begun discussing TV
shows with the nice older lady who closes it. She
remembers my name, we discuss ABC’s finest programmes
(that I typically don’t watch but can talk to at
least), and I get my french fry discount.
Systematically yours,
-Michael
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haiku? this must of been the ‘word of the day’ somewhere, and you spent your lunch time trying to figure out how to use it in your blog. i thought you paper-(or tea)-bagged? why not abandon the idea of bagels and have some granola bars handy? as for lunch, keep a can of dinty-more and two packs of ramen at your desk… pretty soon you will have a pantry that everyone will be jealous of.
You don’t know what a haiku is? Didn’t you pay attention in your liberal arts classes? While you were sleeping I was busy kissing up and getting A’s so as to improve my GPA.
I do paper-bag my lunches (tea-bagging is kept to a dull roar now that I am no longer a poor college student) and often bring granola bars. But, I only can take so much fibre-laden granola goodness. Sometimes I just crave some soft doughy carbohydrate products. The Dinty Moore is a good idea, although I am nervous about having too good a pantry. I already keep fruit snacks and graham crackers in there. If word gets out that I am packing, I may have to bring a device for prodding the cubicle dwellers away. They can smell food, I tell you!
Can I just say: the thought of you trying to beat back automated-toaster-flames with a plastic knife is a ray of sunshine in my otherwise pout-inducing-day.