My Cup(s) Overfloweth
Oct 7th, 2009 by Michael
Feeling feisty tonight, let’s not waste any time with pleasantries, shall we?
I just moved into an extended stay type place. It is like having my own apartment. At least that is what the brochure tells me. Actually, it just leaves me confused as hell. There isn’t maid service unless you pay for it. There is a full time desk staff. Yet, it is really a hotel room that somone stuck a two burner stove, a full size fridge, a sink, and two sets of table settings in. Really, two sets. Two sets of stuff so cheap that you get change at the dollar store. I should have slapped the guy who showed me the demo room when he said “you get everything but the placemats.” Speaking of employees, I looked into multiple places. At one from a different chain, I was shown the room by a rather effeminate fellow. His smiles disconcerted me and made me uncomfortable. I was afraid he was going to take me into a room and make me listen to soundtracks until I signed the contract. Imagine my surprise when I walk in tonight and he is sitting at the
front desk of my hotel. Turns out the two are under the same umbrella and he gets to work here sometimes. Totally enjoyed the awkward small talk we got to have. Yeah.
Pathetic is drinking a nice wine out of a plastic cup provided in the room (after using my car key as a corkscrew). I thought it was a better idea than using the coffee mug. I am a little worried about it staining the high quality glass. Bought some dish soap tonight and forgot to get a sponge. Yeah.
I never know what time it is. Between the car, multiple phones, computers, my watch, and even TV schedules – I am just perpetually baffled. I feel like I am in Indiana, back when it gave the big “eff you” to daylight savings time. I observe Eastern time when I want and Central when I want. So kiss off.
My list of people I would love to be deftly excised from the rolls of this fine earth is starting to take more shape. My plan is to have a list of 5, perhaps 10, by July. I figure a solid 5 is doable by the end of the year. I may have even metioned some of these already, but I really don’t care. I am starting with people that have tattoos on their neck. Really, I am confident that anyone who gets that done cannot be trusted in a situation that requires intense decision-making skills, because they obviously failed (note – you get a pass if you are an extreme sports athlete). If you wear gloves in the store, just save the trouble and jump into the tar pit. I don’t care how cold it is in the juice aisle. And should you then dare to pay at the supermarket with a check (also a commitable offence), you get dragged in too. In fact, your arm is getting ripped off so that the guy who came up with the idea to have angled parking in high traffic parking
lots can be whapped repeatedly with it. Lastly for now, I am watching you people that put those suddenly trendy stickers on the back of your SUV/minivan of a stick figure representation of your family holding hands. So you can procreate? Who gives a shit? Honestly. I want to put one of those on my car and “X” out two of the kids. Or put like 13 kids. Or better yet, put pictures of the parental units arm in hoof with farm animals.
Anxiously hoping for a remote that works,
-Michael
two comments…
one, i drink wine out of a coffee cup all the time (provided it is red wine).
two, i also used to hate angled parking until i discovered why they do it… if you find some people that actually park correctly, and you can park between them, you will notice when you open your doors they have better clearance and may not even be able to hit the cars around you. but i guess i still hate it.
Well, it was red wine, so I guess I could have. But you are more sophisticated than I – could I really pull that off?
And I don’t care how you justify angled parking! I am still tired of people misparking, going the wrong way, etc.
And, since one of you loyal readers didn’t want to admit your additions to the list – I shall do so for you. I have expunged the explanations (to protect the innocent, and those who don’t like vulgarity, but here they are):
a) People who don’t let the passenger cross the street when its raining or snowing or sleeting
b) Gym people— a) girls who wear inappropriately short shorts and dont have the booty to pull it off b) muscle heads c) the people who don’t wipe off their machines after use. d) the women and men who coat the locker room in their nasty old perfume/cologne
Someone beat me to it – sort of. Still – pretty awesome.
http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/?p=4626
*cower*
your new place sounded like the extend-stay place I was put up in New Orleans… I think the adjective “creepy” sufficed…
Who else should be added to the list?
* Drivers who don’t wave pedestrians holding a heavy awkward box of some-assembly-needed barstools across a rainy parking lot until AFTER said pedestrian has put down the box.
* People who lick their fingers before counting your change.
* Cashiers who place your coins on top of your bills.
* Those who don’t refill and/or replace water/coffee/milk/juice
* Co-Workers who help themselves to condiments that are not theirs.
That’s five. I’m in a rush.