Open All Night

For whatever reason, I like to whistle when I walk
around the building at work. It is not always a given
song, sometimes it is just notes strung together. My
melody started out that way this afternoon, when I
noted that it suddenly took a familiar tone. I did
not recognise it at first, but it became apparent
quickly. I was humming the theme to $25,000 Pyramid.
I have not seen that show in years. But, the theme
seems like it will be hanging around for a while,
judging by the number of times my brain has rolled
through it now.

Speaking of game shows, I am going to a focus group
soon on TV programming. There were two groups.
Evidently the first group gets to watch baseball, and
the second gets to watch network TV. Naturally, I
could not guarantee to be on time to get there for the
baseball one, so I get the network half of the
festivities. This didn’t really affect me until they
called back to confirm my presence and started asking
me questions like “do you watch Deal or no Deal?” How
about “How I Met Your Mother?” And what about “Two
and a Half Men?” As to be expected, I am now on full
alert for “CrapWatch 2008.” They will probably make
me watch those horrible shows, but fill them with
subliminal messages about how “Hillary Clinton would
make a great president” and how her “Pant suits and
cankles are not as grotesque in person as they are on
TV.” Oh, wait, isn’t her campaign pretty much done as
of today anyway? What a shame.

Smirkingly yours,
-Michael

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I have decided that in order to truly convey my
feelings on the cafeteria that I needed to pen an
incredibly unremarkable haiku.

cafeteria
strange hours leave me frustrated
and I go hungry

The cafeteria here is frustrating for someone who eats
when I do. First off, I do not like to eat breakfast
right away. If hunger pangs even start to encroach
prior to lunch, it is usually towards the end of the
“breakfast shift.” And almost always I want a bagel.
Well, all the palatable bagels are gone by about 8am.
I am left to pick through the leftovers which
typically includes multiple egg bagels (seriously,
does someone ever eat these, they are yellow after
all?), and a plain bagel that isn’t so much a bagel as
a clump. Maybe it is my east coast bias coming out
again, but bagels typically suck out here. I don’t
know what bakery they use, but the bagels have no
taste and the variety is awful. Plus, they are
typically misshapen. They are not oval, and instead
are mountainous and rugged. There is probably some
angry employee who is tired of getting up at 3am that
insists on forming them to look like a heaping pile of
dog excrement. Back on subject, after taking the
plain bagel I insert it in the bagel guillotine. The
problem is that, surprisingly enough, it is designed
for proper shaped bagels. So I cram it in there, and
attempt to drive the blade through. Once I get it
through my bagel gets stuck in there. I have to stick
my finger in there to free it, which leads me to think
about what other fingers have been in there. I then
stick it in the toaster. It is one of those doodads
where the entire tray moves. It disappears and then
falls out the back, down a chute, and reappears. This
works well when I actually get a bagel with seeds on
it, because it proceeds to strip it. I didn’t really
want poppy seeds anyway. But, given the amorphous
shape of the bagel, and again that the device is
designed for normal shaped ones, half of the bagel can
AND does get stuck in there. And yes, getting jammed
against the heating element does create fire. Like
flames shooting out the front of the toaster fire.
When this happened I had to use a large knife that was
kept there to free it. So now I have to smush the
dumb thing and measure it before shoving the bagel in
there. And of course, the one day since that I forgot
to - the bagel exceeded the height maximum for the
ride. It got wedged worse in there. There was no
knife this time. My plastic cream cheese knife
quickly wilted in the assault, as it was really wedged
this time. I had to shut it off and humbly ask the
cook for a knife.

The other part of this is when it closes in the
afternoon. It closes at 1:45. I like to eat a late
lunch, usually around noon. Presuming I finish around
12:45, that only gives me an hour. I am neither
hungry nor thirsty by this point. But the cafeteria
sucks me in with two novelties. They have an old
fashioned popcorn machine, and they actually have
cherry coke (which the coke machine does not for some
reason). But, the popcorn is in limited supply. When
it is gone it is gone. This typically takes place by
1:15. So, much like if I want a good bagel, I have to
preemptively strike if I even think I am going to want
good foodstuffs! “Well, I think I might want an
afternoon snack, so I better go get some now before
they sell out.” Back a few months ago they had
already sold out when I got there as they were
closing. It was a long walk there, so I felt like I
should get something (still “thinking” that I might be
hungry later on). Well, I spied an order of fries
accompanying some formerly frozen breaded fish
product. I asked if I could just take the fries, and
I was told “no.” I countered with the logical
argument that they were going to throw them out in a
minute anyway, right? After obtaining an affirmative
head nod I sweetened the pot by saying at least they
would make some money for it, rather than none. It
didn’t work. Since then I have begun discussing TV
shows with the nice older lady who closes it. She
remembers my name, we discuss ABC’s finest programmes
(that I typically don’t watch but can talk to at
least), and I get my french fry discount.

Systematically yours,
-Michael

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It is nice that the TV industry, or FCC, or whomever
is mandating the switch to digital signal for Feb. 17,
2009 is running TV commercials. I have probably seen
30 now. And each time they try to address the densest
possible individual that would be seeing said
commercial. They talk slowly, and really work on
their annunciation. And every time it ends with “TV’s
currently hooked up to cable will not have this
issue.” Fine. Then how come every single one of the
30 commercials I have seen has been on a cable
channel!!! I have never seen one on a broadcast
station, like the local CBS/FOX affiliate. Aren’t
those the people you need to address?

On to something I omitted from yesterday’s entry. I
have often pontificated on the social behaviours
exhibited in bars. It is a fabulous place to learn
about people. One thing that has always struck me is
the dynamic that exists based on the type of bar. I
personally like to go to smaller or local type bars.
I find that they are more fun, cheaper, and the
persons there are more “real.” I like to avoid chain
places as they gouge for the alky, and usually they
close early, etc. Given that I travel a lot for
racing, I often find myself in some interesting
watering holes. But, I never feel comfortable in
those places. Part of me wonders if they can tell
from the second I walk in that I am not from the area.
Probably, this is true. But another thing hit me
while I was watching some yocals jam to the beat the
other night. There was a group of them, probably
10-15. They all knew each other, knew the bartenders,
the bouncers, etc. And naturally it occurred that
they spend a LOT of time there. And it was apparent
from their appearance that the majority (ok all) of
them more than likely did not have professional
careers, and barely graduated high school. And it
took me back to that fine place in my life. I
lamented growing up that I did not have a “local”
group that I could hang with. My development always
seemed to take precedence over trying to grow such
relationships. In retrospect, it was the right call.

Pensively yours,
-Michael

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I love playing trivia games. I think it was embedded
in my head at an early age from years upon years of
watching Jeopardy! every day. Now that a lot of bars
have trivia I can let the inner geek in me stretch his
chicken legs periodically. And nothing is more
amusing than telling the wobbling degenerate next to
me to either not ash on me, spill his beer, or obscure
my view of the lone TV showing the trivia game.
Because, yes, I am just as competitive at playing
trivia as anything else, and I am not just in the bar
to pound alcohol or look for floozies like he is.

I nestled into my cozy bar stool (holy s*it this thing
wobbles alot!), grabbed the trivia console, and
prepared for battle. I got into the game late, and
missed the first two questions. There was only one
other person playing, so it was time for me to play
catch up on this mano a mano battle. I started on
question 3, and got it correct immediately (which is
worth 1000 points). The points go down the longer it
takes you to answer. I then got the 4th question
right. And the 5th question. There is a break after
the 5th and 10th question (15 total). I stood at
3,000 points, just behind his 3500. The game started
back up and I brought the noise again. 6th question,
7th question, 8th question all perfect. I am now
ahead of him. I sneered and cast a quick glance his
way to find him shaking his head as I mounted 1000
after 1000 on his head. Pretty soon we are done with
question 10 and I am 8 for 8. That tied my previous
best.

Question 11 was easy, worked through 12 and 13, and
still had a perfect score. He still could catch me
with two to go though, provided I slipped up. I
remember distinctly now that Joan Jett was the answer
to the 14th question, but it took me a few extra
seconds to get it, and I only got 982. He got ~500,
and proceeded to get up and leave with one question to
go. I emasculated him to the point that he left! It
made the last 1000 even sweeter. I ended up scoring
12,982 of a possible 13,000 that I could have gotten.
I was so upset I missed the first two questions, as I
have only ever gotten into the 13’s once.

I almost felt bad at taking such glee in such a
trivial pursuit, but then he came back in to the bar
later and proceeded to throw himself at anything with
a hole and a heartbeat. It was actually pretty
amusing to watch, especially since the guy on the
other side of me was doing the same thing. Except he
was instead just buying drinks for all of the fat
chicks that kept fawning over him. Nothing like
buying the chunker a $10 shot of Patron, eh Player?
Well, at least the people watching gave me something
to do while I missed question after question in the
next game.

-Quizzically yours,
-Michael

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Americans, well, we are a sturdy lot. We are getting
progressively more obese, or less euphemistically,
fatter. Personally, I think that our waistlines are
going to emulate those of our cars. The arrogant
bunch that we are, we for a long time went after
bigger and bigger cars. Well, the second gas went up
in price we bitched and moaned about everything else
and eventually have begun to migrate back to smaller
cars. The same thing is going to happen with our
girth. We will pin the blame on our work schedules,
on the food industry, and then eventually start to
live healthier. This will occur once people start
dropping dead younger and the overall life expectancy
threatens to trend downwards. Oh, those are already
occurring? Ok, it might be a few years yet till we
get our oversized arses into shape.

The media is currently warning us about how fat our
kids are becoming. Childhood obesity is an “epidemic”
of ever-increasing proportion (or would that be
portion? Ha! I slay me.) Kids don’t play enough,
they drink too many sweets, they have access to too
much fast food, video games take too much of their
attention, they are busy bullying other kids on
Myspace, etc. Mainly it means our kids are fat. And
good God they are. Have you seen some of these
gigundous kids as of late? Holy crap. Lardo
McThirdGrader looks like he is eating for two. His
sister Molly looks like she swallowed her floaties
during the ten minutes she attempted to swim until she
got winded. These kids are trucks.

So, because they are children, the government feels it
has to step in. It needs to design programmes and
alter what they eat. Look at the following excerpt
from a Yahoo.com article, and tell me what you think.

“For the study, changes were made to the food in
vending machines or the cafeteria in five of the
schools. Juice, water and low-fat milk replaced sodas.
Snacks had to meet limits for fat, salt and sugar.
Students who ate healthy snacks got raffle tickets to
win prizes such as bikes and jump ropes.
“We found when you give children healthy choices, they
pick them,” said Grace McGinley, school nurse at
Francis Hopkinson School, one of the test schools.”

This occurred in five schools outside Philly if I
remember correctly. And, Grace, oh omnipotent nurse
you, please explain to me how the kids picked
healthily? You took away their choices and only gave
them healthy choices. They had no unhealthy options
to pick from! The school should not have to control
what the kids cannot choose to do on their own. It
is, in my opinion, a byproduct of the entitlement that
we are bestowing upon our children. That is not my
point today, though.

(As an aside - I know that calories alone are not a
straight judge of bad for you beverages - but the
Cherry Coke I am currently drinking is 100 calories
per 8oz. The Tropicana OJ I would have drank all
weekend if I weren’t so cheap and bought store-brand
is 110 calories per 8oz. And oh yeah, that chocolate
milk I had a strange craving for this morning? It was
190 calories for 8oz. Actually it was 190 calories
per HALF-PINT, since evidently they are too good to
list the oz total on the side.)

They also spoke to a study this morning on the radio
where kids who had a TV in their room were more likely
to be fat. I mean overweight. I wouldn’t want to
offend any of those enormous kids. Seriously, was
this really study-worthy material? You know what all
this research tells me? Parents need to start
parenting again. Stop making excuses. I am so tired
of reading stories of McDonalds being blamed (and
subsequently sued) ad infinitum for kids being fat.
It is not McDonald’s fault that your kid could sumo
wrestle with a St. Bernard. (And win) The fact is,
you cannot parent. The next time I see a fat kid, I
am going to wait until he is out of earshot and then
start making fun of the parents for how repugnant
their progeny is. Something scathing and caustic to
get their attention should work, like “Hey. You.
Your kid is a big fat (insert alliterative term
here).” Since parents seem unable to take
responsibility I think that is the only thing left to
do.

Kids are like pack animals. They believe anything you
tell them (see the movie “Jesus Camp”) and will trust
you wholeheartedly. If you lead them astray, it is
your own damn fault. I do not feel sorry for your
heavyset child, unless he has an illness that prevents
him from remaining moderately healthy. As I have said
since day one, I am a firm believer in my “fat kid
rule.” The rule is simple - if I have a kid and he
gets too fat, he doesn’t eat. The parents have to
take responsibility at some point. Like Yogi bear
always said after he finished off his picnic basket,
“Only You Can Prevent Fat Kids.”

Always willing to offer parenting advice,
-Michael

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Some of the folks that sit near me at work are ardent movie buffs. They always futilely try to involve me in their conversations. And, inevitably, the discussion ends with “You haven’t seen xxxxx? Your Man Card should be revoked.” This is peculiar to me. I feel as though I do a reasonable job of interjecting pop culture references into my conversations. Yet I do have to admit that I have not seen a lot of movies nor have I read a lot of books that were not required by those hippie organised Liberal Arts classes I was forced to take. Whatever, that curiosity is merely for me to ruminate over.

Based on the above, I have decided to take five minutes (that in Michael-time will inevitably turn into 35) to compile a list of “iconic” visual media that I have not viewed. This should save you some time in mocking me later, because you can get it all out of your system now.
(more…)

Blogging should be a “release”, but sometimes I find it to be a bit stressful. I always said that I would try to stay away from detailing my daily travails (like today when I went with the granola instead of the Honey Nut Cheerios bar for breakfast) and stick to more grandiose topics and observations. But, when I do not blog for awhile I get bogged down with topics and then I do not feel motivated to write anything because I cannot decide which to go with. It is very complicated being me.

Then, I had an epiphany in the shower. I do a lot of thinking in the shower, and today was no different. (I am generally productive in the bathroom, as I also get most of reading done on the throne.) I had a blog topic just ooze right out of me. I was very pleased with it and basically composed the whole thing in my brain. I even thought about writing it down as soon as I finished bathing. But I didn’t. And now - I can’t even remember what the topic was! I remember having examples proving my point, but far be it from me to remember those either. Man - I am simply flustered.

Frustratedly yours,
-Michael