Open All Night

I love playing trivia games. I think it was embedded
in my head at an early age from years upon years of
watching Jeopardy! every day. Now that a lot of bars
have trivia I can let the inner geek in me stretch his
chicken legs periodically. And nothing is more
amusing than telling the wobbling degenerate next to
me to either not ash on me, spill his beer, or obscure
my view of the lone TV showing the trivia game.
Because, yes, I am just as competitive at playing
trivia as anything else, and I am not just in the bar
to pound alcohol or look for floozies like he is.

I nestled into my cozy bar stool (holy s*it this thing
wobbles alot!), grabbed the trivia console, and
prepared for battle. I got into the game late, and
missed the first two questions. There was only one
other person playing, so it was time for me to play
catch up on this mano a mano battle. I started on
question 3, and got it correct immediately (which is
worth 1000 points). The points go down the longer it
takes you to answer. I then got the 4th question
right. And the 5th question. There is a break after
the 5th and 10th question (15 total). I stood at
3,000 points, just behind his 3500. The game started
back up and I brought the noise again. 6th question,
7th question, 8th question all perfect. I am now
ahead of him. I sneered and cast a quick glance his
way to find him shaking his head as I mounted 1000
after 1000 on his head. Pretty soon we are done with
question 10 and I am 8 for 8. That tied my previous
best.

Question 11 was easy, worked through 12 and 13, and
still had a perfect score. He still could catch me
with two to go though, provided I slipped up. I
remember distinctly now that Joan Jett was the answer
to the 14th question, but it took me a few extra
seconds to get it, and I only got 982. He got ~500,
and proceeded to get up and leave with one question to
go. I emasculated him to the point that he left! It
made the last 1000 even sweeter. I ended up scoring
12,982 of a possible 13,000 that I could have gotten.
I was so upset I missed the first two questions, as I
have only ever gotten into the 13’s once.

I almost felt bad at taking such glee in such a
trivial pursuit, but then he came back in to the bar
later and proceeded to throw himself at anything with
a hole and a heartbeat. It was actually pretty
amusing to watch, especially since the guy on the
other side of me was doing the same thing. Except he
was instead just buying drinks for all of the fat
chicks that kept fawning over him. Nothing like
buying the chunker a $10 shot of Patron, eh Player?
Well, at least the people watching gave me something
to do while I missed question after question in the
next game.

-Quizzically yours,
-Michael

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Americans, well, we are a sturdy lot. We are getting
progressively more obese, or less euphemistically,
fatter. Personally, I think that our waistlines are
going to emulate those of our cars. The arrogant
bunch that we are, we for a long time went after
bigger and bigger cars. Well, the second gas went up
in price we bitched and moaned about everything else
and eventually have begun to migrate back to smaller
cars. The same thing is going to happen with our
girth. We will pin the blame on our work schedules,
on the food industry, and then eventually start to
live healthier. This will occur once people start
dropping dead younger and the overall life expectancy
threatens to trend downwards. Oh, those are already
occurring? Ok, it might be a few years yet till we
get our oversized arses into shape.

The media is currently warning us about how fat our
kids are becoming. Childhood obesity is an “epidemic”
of ever-increasing proportion (or would that be
portion? Ha! I slay me.) Kids don’t play enough,
they drink too many sweets, they have access to too
much fast food, video games take too much of their
attention, they are busy bullying other kids on
Myspace, etc. Mainly it means our kids are fat. And
good God they are. Have you seen some of these
gigundous kids as of late? Holy crap. Lardo
McThirdGrader looks like he is eating for two. His
sister Molly looks like she swallowed her floaties
during the ten minutes she attempted to swim until she
got winded. These kids are trucks.

So, because they are children, the government feels it
has to step in. It needs to design programmes and
alter what they eat. Look at the following excerpt
from a Yahoo.com article, and tell me what you think.

“For the study, changes were made to the food in
vending machines or the cafeteria in five of the
schools. Juice, water and low-fat milk replaced sodas.
Snacks had to meet limits for fat, salt and sugar.
Students who ate healthy snacks got raffle tickets to
win prizes such as bikes and jump ropes.
“We found when you give children healthy choices, they
pick them,” said Grace McGinley, school nurse at
Francis Hopkinson School, one of the test schools.”

This occurred in five schools outside Philly if I
remember correctly. And, Grace, oh omnipotent nurse
you, please explain to me how the kids picked
healthily? You took away their choices and only gave
them healthy choices. They had no unhealthy options
to pick from! The school should not have to control
what the kids cannot choose to do on their own. It
is, in my opinion, a byproduct of the entitlement that
we are bestowing upon our children. That is not my
point today, though.

(As an aside - I know that calories alone are not a
straight judge of bad for you beverages - but the
Cherry Coke I am currently drinking is 100 calories
per 8oz. The Tropicana OJ I would have drank all
weekend if I weren’t so cheap and bought store-brand
is 110 calories per 8oz. And oh yeah, that chocolate
milk I had a strange craving for this morning? It was
190 calories for 8oz. Actually it was 190 calories
per HALF-PINT, since evidently they are too good to
list the oz total on the side.)

They also spoke to a study this morning on the radio
where kids who had a TV in their room were more likely
to be fat. I mean overweight. I wouldn’t want to
offend any of those enormous kids. Seriously, was
this really study-worthy material? You know what all
this research tells me? Parents need to start
parenting again. Stop making excuses. I am so tired
of reading stories of McDonalds being blamed (and
subsequently sued) ad infinitum for kids being fat.
It is not McDonald’s fault that your kid could sumo
wrestle with a St. Bernard. (And win) The fact is,
you cannot parent. The next time I see a fat kid, I
am going to wait until he is out of earshot and then
start making fun of the parents for how repugnant
their progeny is. Something scathing and caustic to
get their attention should work, like “Hey. You.
Your kid is a big fat (insert alliterative term
here).” Since parents seem unable to take
responsibility I think that is the only thing left to
do.

Kids are like pack animals. They believe anything you
tell them (see the movie “Jesus Camp”) and will trust
you wholeheartedly. If you lead them astray, it is
your own damn fault. I do not feel sorry for your
heavyset child, unless he has an illness that prevents
him from remaining moderately healthy. As I have said
since day one, I am a firm believer in my “fat kid
rule.” The rule is simple - if I have a kid and he
gets too fat, he doesn’t eat. The parents have to
take responsibility at some point. Like Yogi bear
always said after he finished off his picnic basket,
“Only You Can Prevent Fat Kids.”

Always willing to offer parenting advice,
-Michael

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Some of the folks that sit near me at work are ardent movie buffs. They always futilely try to involve me in their conversations. And, inevitably, the discussion ends with “You haven’t seen xxxxx? Your Man Card should be revoked.” This is peculiar to me. I feel as though I do a reasonable job of interjecting pop culture references into my conversations. Yet I do have to admit that I have not seen a lot of movies nor have I read a lot of books that were not required by those hippie organised Liberal Arts classes I was forced to take. Whatever, that curiosity is merely for me to ruminate over.

Based on the above, I have decided to take five minutes (that in Michael-time will inevitably turn into 35) to compile a list of “iconic” visual media that I have not viewed. This should save you some time in mocking me later, because you can get it all out of your system now.
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Blogging should be a “release”, but sometimes I find it to be a bit stressful. I always said that I would try to stay away from detailing my daily travails (like today when I went with the granola instead of the Honey Nut Cheerios bar for breakfast) and stick to more grandiose topics and observations. But, when I do not blog for awhile I get bogged down with topics and then I do not feel motivated to write anything because I cannot decide which to go with. It is very complicated being me.

Then, I had an epiphany in the shower. I do a lot of thinking in the shower, and today was no different. (I am generally productive in the bathroom, as I also get most of reading done on the throne.) I had a blog topic just ooze right out of me. I was very pleased with it and basically composed the whole thing in my brain. I even thought about writing it down as soon as I finished bathing. But I didn’t. And now - I can’t even remember what the topic was! I remember having examples proving my point, but far be it from me to remember those either. Man - I am simply flustered.

Frustratedly yours,
-Michael

Today is the real start of the NCAA tournament. I don’t believe the hype about it starting on Tuesday with the play-in game. Until they start playing four or more of them (one for each quarter of the draw) with teams that are not guaranteed, I will continue to ignore their calls for Tuesday being the start. Hogwash, it really begins today. There are 16 games today (and tomorrow), basically four at a time, four times over! That is awesome. Who cares if it is teams I haven’t heard of with stupid team names. But let’s face it, as the articles proclaiming how much of a loss companies face during the tournament from workers slacking off, the beauty of it is in the bracket.
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It snowed last night. Again. I haven’t really been that bothered by the snowfall this winter. Small snowstorms, even if there are multiple per week, don’t really phase me. My general feeling is that it has not been that bad. If anything it has been peculiar, as nearly every snowstorm was followed by a day with warmer temperatures and a subsequent melt. There are not humongous piles of snow on everything that is not asphalt, as I have seen in previous winters. But hey, I live here, so I am not going to complain (especially considering how much I enjoy driving in the snow). I am one of the minute few who complain when they plow too quickly.
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I take surveys for a lot of online firms for fun. I usually get some points for doing it that can get redeemed for stupid crap, but really I do it because I am opinionated and enjoy offering my opinion (although it is solicited, which is unusual). Anyway, one of the companies asks similar sets of questions in nearly every survey. One of them is with regard to the Internet, and asks simply if you feel overloaded with the amount of information available, or if you feel like it that way. I love having it available (except of course when I am going to watch something on tape delay and then accidentally come across the results in the meantime. That leads to swearing). But, there are certainly an increasing number of people who feel the Internet is getting bogged down with hogwash. I can understand why they feel that way.
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