This page is dedicated to assorted ramblings about film. The pieces may or may not actually review the films that they discuss. They are in no way meant to recommend that you see the film, nor am I going to try to steer you away from something that you really want to see. The films I write about are just as likely to be something I saw on television at three in the morning as they are to be new releases. They may offend some, and they may be poorly written; they may even be incomprehensible to those of you that don’t know me, personally. I may indeed give away surprise endings and, if pressed to do so, I may write about a film that I haven’t seen. That being said, shall we proceed?

That being said, it has not exactly been a banner two weeks for healthy food consumption (count Daytona in there). Then I try to get back on the wagon this morning and it is Girl Scout cookie delivery day. There were crumbs and anarchy everywhere. Hell, at 75 calories per cookie I had 300 calories in me before my computer even finished booting.

Speaking of food, I had corn nuts for the first time in ages the other day. I cannot remember the last time I saw them and there they were, facing me at the convenience store. I took the package over the salt and vinegar chip stalwart. They were delectable, reminding me how much I missed them and baffling me as to why they are not more popular. Then I burped and remembered why. Good God was that horrendous. I felt like I was taste testing at the factory, only they had loaded it up with too many preservatives.

Continuing on the food front (the omnipresent theme of my blog), I was changing planes not all that long ago when I spied a very nervous young lady having a snack waiting at her gate. She had obviously brought this snack herself, as it was in a Ziploc bag – a 1 gallon Ziploc bag that was filled with cheese puffs. And there she was, just chain chewing away. Her friend appeared to want some, but gave up trying to reach into the bag after almost having a finger severed at the knuckle. This wouldn’t have been that bad if she wasn’t a serious chub-a-lub. The chunker was just going to town on the cheese puffs, like they had killed a close relative of hers. Anyway, the irony was just too much for me to bear. I looked at her, opened my mouth, and well, I audibly laughed. I mean a hearty laugh too. There could not be anything funnier than that.

Although tonight did its best to take the crown. I went to dinner at a Japanese restaurant. I was thinking to myself, whilst looking at a table across the way that had 3 Asians and 1 non-Asian, about how amusing it is that this situation always presents itself. I pondered that for a minute until I noticed the couple adjacent to me. Him? 40’s, bald, pudgy, boring from what I could hear. Her? 20’s, an absolute firecracker, a banging body, and a killer tramp stamp. She looked like a Geisha girl that had been completely westernised. I bet she even charged for her time. But, then I went to the mall for Dairy Queen after. There, while covertly sitting off in the corner of the top level and people watching, I spotted the exact reverse! It was a 40’s, balding, coke bottle bespectacled Asian businessman, walking around with an early 30’s white girl donning a miniskirt and CFM boots. It was as if they were the bizarro version of the first couple.

Time for bed – and hoping the Reader isn’t on, so I won’t be coaxed into watching Kate Winslet parade around nude all movie again. And next time, Reader director, please place some sort of warning on the screen when there is about to be male full frontal. Egad, I was not ready for that and almost hit my head diving for the remote.

Back, and all yours,
-Michael

Posted via email from Derek’s Posterous

I just moved into an extended stay type place. It is like having my own apartment. At least that is what the brochure tells me. Actually, it just leaves me confused as hell. There isn’t maid service unless you pay for it. There is a full time desk staff. Yet, it is really a hotel room that somone stuck a two burner stove, a full size fridge, a sink, and two sets of table settings in. Really, two sets. Two sets of stuff so cheap that you get change at the dollar store. I should have slapped the guy who showed me the demo room when he said “you get everything but the placemats.” Speaking of employees, I looked into multiple places. At one from a different chain, I was shown the room by a rather effeminate fellow. His smiles disconcerted me and made me uncomfortable. I was afraid he was going to take me into a room and make me listen to soundtracks until I signed the contract. Imagine my surprise when I walk in tonight and he is sitting at the
front desk of my hotel. Turns out the two are under the same umbrella and he gets to work here sometimes. Totally enjoyed the awkward small talk we got to have. Yeah.

Pathetic is drinking a nice wine out of a plastic cup provided in the room (after using my car key as a corkscrew). I thought it was a better idea than using the coffee mug. I am a little worried about it staining the high quality glass. Bought some dish soap tonight and forgot to get a sponge. Yeah.

I never know what time it is. Between the car, multiple phones, computers, my watch, and even TV schedules – I am just perpetually baffled. I feel like I am in Indiana, back when it gave the big “eff you” to daylight savings time. I observe Eastern time when I want and Central when I want. So kiss off.

My list of people I would love to be deftly excised from the rolls of this fine earth is starting to take more shape. My plan is to have a list of 5, perhaps 10, by July. I figure a solid 5 is doable by the end of the year. I may have even metioned some of these already, but I really don’t care. I am starting with people that have tattoos on their neck. Really, I am confident that anyone who gets that done cannot be trusted in a situation that requires intense decision-making skills, because they obviously failed (note – you get a pass if you are an extreme sports athlete). If you wear gloves in the store, just save the trouble and jump into the tar pit. I don’t care how cold it is in the juice aisle. And should you then dare to pay at the supermarket with a check (also a commitable offence), you get dragged in too. In fact, your arm is getting ripped off so that the guy who came up with the idea to have angled parking in high traffic parking
lots can be whapped repeatedly with it. Lastly for now, I am watching you people that put those suddenly trendy stickers on the back of your SUV/minivan of a stick figure representation of your family holding hands. So you can procreate? Who gives a shit? Honestly. I want to put one of those on my car and “X” out two of the kids. Or put like 13 kids. Or better yet, put pictures of the parental units arm in hoof with farm animals.

Anxiously hoping for a remote that works,
-Michael